Why Can't You See Me?

When bullying comes from somebody close to you, is is quite normal that you wonder why the bully just doesn’t get you at all. You may feel a great need to defend, prove or explain yourself. It can be difficult to fathom how someone can see you so negatively, not believe you or see you for who you really are.

Each of us have several unique filters which help us to digest information form conclusions and show us our version of reality. These filters include beliefs, values, decisions, memories and attitudes many of which are passed down through the generations and are very different for each individual. In order to quickly make sense of what we are experiencing, we simplify, distort and generalise the information we have collected and filtered. As a result, each person experiences their own personalised version of reality. Our understanding of ‘truth’ is entirely constructed in our heads.We are, in fact, a figment of our own imagination.

To understand someone well, pay attention to their opinion of others

If this is indeed true, and for the time being you will just have to take my word for it, it then follows that there is no single solution and no definitive reality, there is only what we believe we are seeing and experiencing. If your filters are set to ‘I can’t trust anybody’, ‘life is unfair’, ‘I never get what I want’, ‘all people lie, ‘kind people are wimps’, ‘I have to fight to get my own way’ or something equally debilitating, then you will experience that as your truth. If you are in relationship with someone who has those filters operating you could easily find yourself being perceived as a threat or at the very least, a significant part of the problem.

We are drawn to people who experience a similar reality to us but it is impossible to find someone who sees everything the way we do or who comes to all the same conclusions. Throughout our lifetime we will inevitably come across people who will challenge our version of reality. Just as we need to prune our plants to make way for new growth, being challenged about our decisions and beliefs gives us an opportunity to consider whether our path, choices, behaviours and conclusions are accurate or not. Challenge is good, it keeps us real.

When you find yourself confronted with someone who appears to have got completely the wrong end of the stick about you, this merry dance and healthy interchange can turn rather nasty. Their filters may not permit them to see you as you imagine yourself to be and as such there is absolutely no point trying to persuade them otherwise. Ultimately, if a friend, acquaintance or family member consistently views you negatively, contradicts your idea of yourself, misjudges your intentions and motivations, and paints a very different picture of you to others, there is generally very little you can do to change their perception.

In the practise of tolerance, one's enemy is the best teacher

In the practise of tolerance, one’s enemy is the best teacher

If you find yourself with someone like this in your life, be conscious of what you are willing to share about yourself as anything you do say is open to distortion and misinterpretation, limit your time together as best you can and privately wish them all the best. Be mindful of the need to balance yourself with meditation, space clearing and forgiveness rituals. Negative thinking attracts negative experience and as such is a self-fulfilling prophecy. It is not your job to teach people that angry and destructive behaviour will bring them pain and suffering. That lesson they may well have to learn on their own.

“Do what you feel in your heart to be right – for you’ll be criticised anyway.”

Eleanor Roosevelt

When family or close friends bully you it is very easy to believe what they have to say about you and sometimes difficult to find your true sense of self. It is easy at these times to become lost and downhearted. Their perception of you is a reflection of them.  Don’t take it to heart.


Excerpt from ‘From Bullied to Brilliant’ – BUY NOW!